The Revelation of the Exiled Shaman

Prologue

1 The revelation of the Exiled Shaman, which was given unto him in a dream after he ate something glowing behind a Walgreens, to show dogs and their human guardians the things which must shortly come to pass. He communicated it through his messenger, a pigeon of questionable loyalty, unto his servant Barktholomew,

2 who testified concerning the word of the Shaman and all the strange things he claimed to have seen, though several could not be independently verified.

3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear them and observe the things written herein, for the hour is near, and the squirrel armies have already begun gathering acorns.

Greetings to the Seven Kennels

4 Barktholomew, unto the seven kennels scattered throughout the land:

Grace unto you, and peace from the one who is, and who was, and who is presently banned from Walgreens; and from the seven spirits that wander before his overturned shopping cart;

5 and from The Exiled Shaman, the unreliable witness, the firstborn from beneath the porch, and the disputed ruler of all creatures who have escaped through an open gate.

To him who loves us, who released us from the bondage of leashes,

6 and made us a kingdom of strays and priests unto the Great Unseen Hand that drops food upon the kitchen floor—to him be glory, dominion and the comfortable side of the couch forever and ever.

Amen.

7 Behold, he comes with the clouds,

and every eye shall see him,

even those who sprayed him with the garden hose,

and all the tribes of the earth shall tremble before him,

except the cats, who shall pretend not to care.

Yes. Amen.

8 “I am the First Sniff and the Final Sniff,” says the Exiled Shaman, “the one who is, and who was, and who shall arrive whenever he feels like it, for no gate can hold me and no appointment shall begin on time.”

Barktholomew’s Vision of the Son of Dog

9 I, Barktholomew, your brother and companion in affliction, exile and the persistent itching of the left ear, was upon the island called Municipal Dog Park because of the word of the Shaman and because I had once bitten a mailman.

He knows what he did.

10 I was in the Spirit on the Day of the Shaman, which occurs whenever the Shaman wakes before noon, and I heard behind me a mighty sound like a trumpet.

11 And the voice said:

“What you see, write in a book and send it unto the seven kennels: unto Barkphesus, Sniffmyrna, Pergamut, Thyatira Terrier, Sardog, Philadogphia and Laodogcea.

“And include pictures, for many among them do not read.”

12 And I turned to see the voice that spoke unto me. And when I turned, I saw seven golden fire hydrants,

13 and in the midst of the hydrants stood one like a Son of Dog, clothed in a robe reaching unto his paws and girded across his chest with a belt he almost certainly had not paid for.

14 The fur upon his head was white like wool, as white as snow that has not yet been yellowed, and his eyes burned like flames from a trash barrel behind a convenience store.

15 His paws were like bronze refined in a furnace, though one of them appeared to be sticky; and his voice was like the sound of many waters, particularly the forbidden toilet bowl.

16 In his right paw he held seven stars. From his mouth came a sharp, double-edged prophecy. His face shone like the sun at full strength, forcing many to squint and one disciple to sneeze.

17 When I saw him, I fell at his paws as though dead.

And he placed his right paw upon me and said:

“Do not be afraid.

“Unless thou hast heard something behind the shed.

“In that case, remain vigilant.”

And he continued:

“I am the First and the Last.

18 I am the one who lives. I was dead, or possibly sleeping very deeply, and behold, I am alive forevermore.

“I hold the keys of death and of Hades.

“I also hold the keys to a 2007 Honda Odyssey that does not belong to me.”

19 “Therefore, write the things you have seen, the things which are, and the things which shall take place after these things.

“Write also that no labor shall be performed on Fridays, or any day of the week."

“And if any disciple is dismissed from his employment for observing this commandment, let him know that his sacrifice has pleased me.”

20 “As for the mystery of the seven stars which you saw in my right paw and the seven golden hydrants:

“The seven stars are the guardian spirits of the seven kennels.

“The seven hydrants are the seven kennels themselves.

“And the eighth hydrant, which I did not mention before now, is not part of the mystery.

“I simply know where it is.

“Rejoice, therefore, and remain watchful.

“For the Exiled Shaman is coming.

“And he has once again forgotten where he buried the Molotov cocktails.”